In codependent relationships, we lose our individuality because we are so focused on serving our partner’s truth (or what we think is their truth) before serving our own. Sometimes we cannot even hear our own truth because it may seem as if our truth has less weight than theirs. Or you can hear your own truth, but speaking it may bring about disapproval from your partner, so you acquiesce to their truth to avoid disagreement or disappointment. This is what I call the codependent illusion of connection or enmeshment.
How Enmeshment Diminishes Individuality
When we are focused on what they want, we diminish our own desires. When we are trying to read their thoughts, we lose connection with our own thoughts. When we give ourselves the job of appeasing their mood, we can’t have our own mood. Being inside someone else’s world so much that you don’t have your own—this is enmeshment.
The Roots of Enmeshment in Childhood
For me, it started when I was a little girl. My mom’s reality was so much louder and more important than mine. I remember the two times I told her I didn’t like it when she yelled. This made her yell even more and accuse me of insinuating that she was a bad mother—which was not what I meant. So I stopped saying how I felt. I think I even stopped feeling what I was feeling. I stayed focused on calming her down, reading her mind, and proving my innocence. I disconnected from my truth because it would get me in trouble. As much as I can recall, I didn’t have thoughts about myself; I only had thoughts about my mom’s thoughts. I became enmeshed with my mother.
I stayed focused on calming her down, reading her mind and proving my innocence. I disconnected from my own truth because it would get me in trouble. As much as I can recall, I didn’t have thoughts about myself, I only had thoughts about my mom’s thoughts – I became enmeshed with my mother.
Reclaiming Individuality and Building Healthy Relationships
In the Conscious Codependence™ Process, you can maintain any relationship you want to retain while being as much of an individual as you want to be. Individuality is not an act of rebellion; it’s an act of freedom for you and everyone around you. It’s a connection with your unique spirit, your joy, your innocence, your playfulness, your curiosities, your thoughts and opinions, your purpose, and your inner peace.
Also read about How to Recognize Codependency
Understanding Enmeshment and Its Impact on Individuality
If you were raised inside of enmeshment, individuality can seem like a crime. Loyalty is confused with obedience. Partnership is conflated with subordination. Enmeshment becomes intertwined with the delusion that we owe another person our servitude. Feeling different, diminished, or invisible becomes normal.
When we make moves toward our real selves and away from enmeshment, it can seem like an act of rebellion—going against the system to steal the freedom we’ve always wanted. Embracing the realization that we co-created the very system we are rebelling against can be the greatest access point to personal freedom. Certainly, as children, our parents created the enmeshment that defined our childhood home. But as adults, we bring our predisposition for enmeshment into relationships, co-create codependence, and trap ourselves in someone else’s world.
Reclaiming Your Individuality Through Conscious Codependence
In the Conscious Codependence™ Process, you can maintain any relationship you want to retain while being as much of an individual as you want to be. Individuality is not an act of rebellion; it’s an act of freedom for you and everyone around you. It’s a connection with your unique spirit, your joy, your innocence, your playfulness, your curiosities, your thoughts and opinions, your purpose, and your inner peace.
When you partner with someone while all of these parts of you are present, you create the foundation for a healthy relationship that stems from a clear connection with yourself. The REAL YOU—all of you—and the REAL THEM—all of them. Both are of equal weight and value. True individuality is the gateway to true intimacy and can be the biggest catalyst for growth, both individually and collectively.
Programs like codependency recovery programs in the United States can help you break free from enmeshment and reclaim your individuality. These programs provide tools and strategies to reconnect with yourself and develop healthier relationships.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF IS WHERE IT ALL BEGINS.
Reclaim your individuality and build healthier relationships today. Explore how the Conscious Codependence™ Process can guide you on your journey to freedom and authenticity.
